Lifestyle Submissives & Privacy

On Monday i wrote about my own evolution as a sissy and how my desires and fantasies changed over time.  i received some comments and a couple of private emails from two other submissive sissies who went into greater detail about their own evolutions from childhood to their adult years.  One of the common threads i see is that as people discover who they are sexually and become a little more comfortable with themselves, their discoveries seem to open other doors that expand their desires and little fantasy worlds. 

i also think the same can be said of most types of D/s relationships, or with couples who have a similar lifestyle.  One little step leads to another and the Domme/sub dynamic moves into many facets of their daily lives.

There's one specific example of this in my own relationship with Diane.  As Her Dominance over me has increased, along with Her role as the head of our household, so has Her oversight of my daily activities.  There are very few times that She doesn't know where i am every day and what i'm doing.  i need permission for many things, like getting together with friends, and know that i have to check with Her before scheduling anything.

i've also relinquished my right to privacy in my email communications with friends or people who correspond with me.  Diane has access to my email accounts and if She wants to, can read what i write.  She also reads the blog frequently and can see what i post on my tumblr blog.  This revelation isn't intended to limit the correspondence i get from friends i've made here through the blog.  i doubt Diane reads my emails very often.  But just knowing She has access and can keeps me more devoted to Her.

To many, even some submissives, this might seem to be oppressive and far too controlling.  i found it difficult at first but got over it.  Honestly, it's been very liberating not to have any secrets or trying to hide something from Her.  In a way, i feel free from the burden that any deception would place on me.

i suppose i could create an anonymous or fake email account and try to stay one step ahead of Diane.  She's more technologically savvy then i am and would eventually find out what i was up to.  It's not worth it.  i think we're both happier this way.

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The Evolution of a Sissy

i was real young when i realized i had a fetish for ladies lingerie.  i didn't know it was a fetish at first, but i knew i liked it.  It was something i had to keep hidden for such a long time.  Even though i enjoyed the lingerie, i never once stopped liking girls or even considered sex with a man.  All of my fantasies included other women while i was dressed, but never did involve a man.  That came much later.

When thoughts of other men first crept into my fantasies, they always involved some sort of humiliation, i.e. being discovered, made to play the part of a girl in a school play, sent off to play with the girls because i was discovered to be wearing panties and other such scenarios.  The fantasies never involved my pleasing the men sexually. 

Eventually, i did start thinking about that.  They were all forced-bi scenarios where i was made to pleasure the men.  "If you want to dress like a girl, you're going to have to act like one." That was the theme of the fantasies. 

Eventually, the fantasies changed and they weren't all forced-bi anymore.  Desires for another man grew stronger.  i wanted to dress and be submissive to another man. 

Now that i've experienced that i wonder how many sissies experienced the same type of evolution.  It took some time before i realized and accepted my bisexuality.  It's not a huge part of my life.  But i'm happy that i've experienced it.  It's helped me feel more feminine.

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The Empathetic and Sympathetic Cuckold

The aftermath of the argument that Diane and i had has been overall a very positive thing for me, and probably for Diane as well.  Even though my feelings are somewhat secondary in this relationship, we both realize that being in tune with each others' feelings is very important.  i use the term "somewhat secondary" only because i don't think any relationship can sustain itself if one partner tunes out the other one's feelings completely. 

One of the things that l led up to our argument was that both of us weren't in the best of moods.  Shame on me for not taking that into consideration.  My own mood and what caused it really isn't important.  What i should have realized and understood is why Diane wasn't at the top of Her game. 

Diane hasn't seen Brian in a long time.  A few weeks or more.  It's probably the longest period they've gone apart since they began their affair.  The plan was for Her to see him this week and host him here in our home.  It was Her plan and unbeknownst to me, She also wanted to increase the "cuckolding portion" of the relationship.  The plan feel through, Brian wasn't able to make it this week and now, he doesn't think he can make it until the week after next. 

i wasn't aware of this information when the argument broke out, and it wasn't shared with me until several days later.  Diane wasn't hiding it from me bur rather, She didn't see it as an important root cause of the argument when in fact, it was probably a significant contributing factor. 

It's a lesson learned for both of us, but a much more important one for me to absorb.  See, it's my responsibility to be sensitive to Diane's feelings.  All of them.  Those She has towards me, Her job, our home life and especially the ones that involve Her lover Brian.  Given that She was upset that She wasn't going to see him this past week, and unsure when She would see him next, my behavior that night was simply not acceptable.

The other thing is is that i can relate with Her feelings.  i can be sympathetic towards how She is feeling and offer Her some form of comfort by helping Her through a difficult period.  But i think i can also be empathetic.  i've experienced the same type of disappointment when meetings with Jake haven't materialized or had to be cancelled.

i mentioned this to Diane last night and after a pause said "I guess you're right.  In some ways, we're both 'The Other Woman'."  i never looked at it that way, but the more i thought about it it made me feel even more submissive to my beautiful Wife.  

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Arguing with a Dominant Wife

i don't intend this post to be a downer for everyone on Valentine's Day and i want to apologize if that's the way it comes across.  i'll do my best not to make it seem that way.  So first, let wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day!  i read somewhere today online where a submissive sissy wrote that his Mistress told him that today should be a "National Sissy Holiday."  What an awesome idea!  So, i hope everyone has a great day.

i made reference to an argument that Diane and i had when i returned from my brief business trip.  Like most all arguments between two married spouses, it began over something incredibly trite and silly.  The seeds of the argument aren't what's important, but rather what ensued is.  To set the stage, i had got home before Diane did and immediately changed into my feminine attire which included a very frilly apron.  i was preparing dinner when She walked in.  We kissed and i could tell She wasn't in the greatest of moods and neither was i.  i had a frustrating trip and She must have had a stressful day also. 

Our conversation seemed a little strained and She asked if i had called the car dealer before i left to set up an appointment for Her car later this week.  i told Her that i had forgotten and apologized for my error.  She was more upset because She had reminded me several times and i told Her i would get it done.  The discussion quickly deteriorated and i said something that i shouldn't have.  It only got worse from there.

i was angry, and felt silly standing there in a frilly apron arguing with my Dominant Wife.  my outer self looked submissive, but my inner self seemed defiant.  She sensed that and pounced on it right away, accusing me of "not taking this relationship seriously" and calling it one of my "little sissy games."  The words stung, but they would get worse.

"This isn't something you can weave in and out of whenever you fucking feel like it" She said dripping with anger.  Now, Diane hardly ever, ever, uses profanity when She's angry.  The use of the F-word made me realize just how angry She was, and i should have just stayed quiet and apologized.  Instead, we continued. 

i almost felt as if She was taunting me, saying things that She knew would elicit another stupid response from me.  i eventually made a comment about Brian, and how She didn't have to prance around and appear so "goddamn happy about the sex you have with him all the time." 

She just looked at me paused and eventually laughed.  "So, do you expect me to fake it?  Make believe it's not the best sex I've ever had and look miserable?  Is that what you want?"  i didn't answer, but She continued,   "Your sex with Jake seems to be pretty enjoyable for you.  Have you heard me bitch about that?" She said nearly screaming.   "You think it's just fine for you to meet your feminine needs with a real man, but it bothers you when I do the same?  Do you really think I see you as a man anymore?  You better change you're attitude because I'm not going to put up with it."  She stormed upstairs and slammed the door to our bedroom.

She didn't come down for about two hours, all the time i just finished dinner and put it in the fridge.  When She came down she didn't say a word, made herself a salad and made her way back upstairs.  When i finally worked up the nerve to go upstairs, i was surprised to find her empty plate and wine glass outside the door.  Next to it was one of my nightgowns, my pink slippers and bathrobe, a clean pair of panties and my toothbrush.  The door was locked.  i slept in the guest bedroom that night. 

So, it was an emotional week to say the least.  Finally, the chill went away and i fell to my knees and apologized to Diane.  The things i told Her are somewhat private and very intimate.  i did so at the urging of a dear sissy friend with whom i've struck up an online friendship.  She was so helpful to me in so many ways.   i don't want to mention her name here because she has a blog and i don't want her to get inundated with requests for help from every sissy on the web.  She was like a big sister to me with the advice she gave me.

Diane accepted my apologies but told me I have a long way to go before I regain Her confidence; confidence that this is what i want and can be a real submissive to Her.  She told me there would be more "tests" of my willingness to be Her wife and submissive.  How i react to these tests will show how sincere my apology was.

i can accept that Diane doesn't see me as a man anymore.  She's hinted at that before but just never came out and said it so directly.

love,

sissy terri

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Sissy Humiliation vs. Cuckold Humiliation

i want to apologize for not posting last week like i was supposed to.  i had to leave town for a brief consulting assignment and when i returned, the week went south very quickly after Diane and i had a very intense argument, the kind that regular couples sometimes have.  However, we're not just any regular couple.  Things were said that i now regret and have since apologized for over and over, but in Diane's view, it brought to the surface my level of commitment to this lifestyle, or lack of the same.  She's correct, and it gave me pause and forced me to reassess things.  Hence, the delay in my post.

i intend to delve into the argument we had and the eventual outcome, but first i want to write about something that i mentioned in a previous post, and was prompted to expound upon by Ms. Vanessa Chaland.  i'm sorry i disappointed Ms. Chaland and any other readers with my delay; it was never my intention to do so. 

Nearly two weeks ago, in a post titled Caving In To my sissy Urges, i wrote about my being proactive and contacting Jake to see if he wanted to get together.  This was after i had sort of played "hard to get" and rebuffed his own request to do the same.  In the post i wrote the following:

"The humiliation that would exist if i were to service Brian in front of Diane isn't present when i'm with Jake.  Instead, it's replaced by a feminine submissive feeling that's hard to describe.  It's that urge that made me cave in and change my mind about the feelings i wrote about in my earlier post."

Ms. Vanessa left a comment saying She would love for me to expound on the 'how and why' of my statement.  Let me try to explain my feelings and thoughts on this.

Let me start by identifying the two situations i describe as Sissy Humiliation and Cuckold Humiliation.  The former would be when i was with Jake, serving him as his sissy, while the latter would be when i was the cuckold with Brian and Diane.

Also, i want to use the following picture to give context and perhaps help with my explanation.  It's a photo i reblogged on my tumblr blog yesterday and i thought it might fit well into this discussion.

The photo jumped out at me because it reminded so much of my last time with Jake.  He had come from work and was dressed in business casual attire.  i was dressed in slacks, a white blouse and heels.  i had a wig on and a little bit of makeup.  Underneath, i had a bra, white camisole, ruffled panties and knee socks.  He liked what he saw and soon told me to strip down to my undies.

The order to strip immediately brought out the humiliating feeling i was referring to.  Here we were, two males who otherwise would be viewed as equals, but his command to me quickly changed that dynamic.  i was not his equal.  He made that clear.  Soon, he was seated in a chair and had me kneeling in front of him.  He caressed my face and held it similar to what the man in the photo is doing to the girl, and asked if i was ready to pleasure him.  i looked into his eyes, smiled and nodded in the affirmative.

The "sissy humiliation" i experienced, that of being used by another man while i sink into that submissive and feminine mood, is one that even though i might appear to be the ultimate submissive, reality is that i am very much in control of the scene and the situation.  i enjoy every minute of it and fulfill my innermost desires.  In many ways, the humiliation i experience is "self-inflicted", i'm getting what i want and crave. 

Cuckold humiliation on the other hand is far different.  There, i am no longer in control.  So far, Diane has controlled everything when it comes to cuckolding and that isn't about to change. 

The humiliation i experience as a cuckold stems from several factors and realities. i can't help but be viewed as an inferior male, one who cannot or does not pleasure his wife as well as her lover.  Further, my submission and feminization is on full display for him to see.  i feel as if this only topples the entire power dynamic in his favor.  The more comfortable he becomes with it and enjoys it, the greater the disparity in power and control. 

Going back to the picture for a moment.  i haven't been made to kneel like that in front of Brian and service him or prepare him while Diane watches on the sidelines.  But if it does happen, it would be so different than doing the exact same thing with Jake.  Probably the most humiliating thing i've ever experienced.

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Sissies and Super Bowls

Today's post was supposed to be about my tame with Jake on Friday.  But then, Ms. Vanessa Chaland left the following comment to my Friday posting:

"I would love for you to expand on the how and why of:
"The humiliation that would exist if i were to service Brian in front of Diane isn't present when i'm with Jake. Instead, it's replaced by a feminine submissive feeling that's hard to describe. It's that urge that made me cave in and change my mind about the feelings i wrote about in my earlier post." :)"

When you're a submissive cuckold and you get such a request, it gives you pause and makes you reconsider what you're about to write.  i started on it and the words didn't seem to flow.  i tried once again and found myself getting nowhere.  i'm working on it and promise to post something in a day or two.  Why is this stuff so complicated.

So instead, i'm going with a little nostalgic Super Bowl theme that might be of interest to some of my sissy friends.  Here's a few photos from Super Bowls of years past that were part of a Yahoo story today.  How times have changed.

 Which one's your favorite?

Even though i'm partial to pink....i love them all :)

love,

sissy terri

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Caving In to my sissy Urges

in some ways 'm not very proud of myself for what i did today.  In other ways, i'm excited and happy

About two weeks ago i wrote a post about "Repressing my sissy Urges" and my most recent contact with Jake and how he contacted me because he was in one of his "moods."  He'd told me all about those moods of his, how there were times when he had no desires to have a man service him.  Those desires would come and go.  His call to me came when he really wanted me to service him.

My own desires don't have that same ebb and flow.  As i've become more comfortable with who i am and my feminine side, my yearnings to please a man are usually present in some form or another.  My rejection of Jake's recent advances has weighed on me quite a bit.   i don't want to feel like i am at his beck and call, but at the same time, i'm craving for the feminine fulfillment i get from pleasuring him.

Today, i've decided to contact him and ask him if he would like to come over this morning or this afternoon.  i want to be with him again and feel that i'm only denying myself pleasure unnecessarily. Diane's getting together with friends after work so She'll be a little late.  And the timing is good.  My "period" is over. 

Jake jumped at the opportunity.  He's going to take the afternoon off and should be here around 2 o'clock.

Brian and Diane are probably not going to be able to see one another until the second full week of February.  They talk almost every day, and I can tell She misses him.  She's not sure just how comfortable Brian would be letting me service him.  She'd like to see it but told me that "Hey, it may never happen." 

The humiliation that would exist if i were to service Brian in front of Diane isn't present when i'm with Jake.  Instead, it's replaced by a feminine submissive feeling that's hard to describe.  It's that urge that made me cave in and change my mind about the feelings i wrote about in my earlier post.

i can't wait to see Jake this afternoon, and from the sound of his voice I think he's looking forward to it as well. 

love,

sissy terri

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