Fantasy to Reality

By yesterday afternoon all of our house guests had left and i was finally able to get back to being me feminine self around the house.  Our decision not to openly flaunt our lifestyle is a good one in my opinion.  So far, only Diane's friend Linda knows about it and i've accepted that.  i can't think of any friends we have who we'd be willing to share this with. 

It was a long twelve days for me, made longer by Diane telling me that She no longer wants me to see men and the fact that with guests around, we really couldn't discuss it.  Comments left here seem to overwhelmingly agree with Diane's decision.  As the Dominant partner in our marriage, She has the right to make that decision.  That's the bottom line. 

Last night we spoke about it but only briefly.   "Isn't this the type of control you always wanted me to have?" She asked me.  She was right.  "What good is having the control if I don't exert it?" was Her next question.  She was right again.

my readers are correct when they say "be careful what you wish for."  As a submissive male, i've spent much of my life fantasizing and dreaming about living as a full time submissive.  When we started acting on these fantasies it was more fun than anything else.  Years later, it's not fun or a game anymore.  It's real and it's our lifestyle. 

The situation i find myself in is a little scary in some ways.  Diane's dominance and control over me has continually increased.  How much further can it go?  i expressed this concern to Her last night and She just shrugged it off telling me not to worry.  "Don't be silly" She said, "I'm happier than I've ever been."

It was also difficult to tell Howard that i wouldn't be meeting with him.  He seemed like the Dominant man who could fulfill some of my fantasies.  i felt that i'd wasted much of his time and was now backing out.  i wasn't going to tell him the real reason we wouldn't be meeting but decided that honesty was the best policy.   When I told him that "Diane wouldn't let me" meet with him, he was surprised at first, then fascinated by our dynamic.  He also told me i was a very lucky submissive.

i have to agree that in many ways i am. 

love,

sissy terri

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Under Diane's Total Control

It hasn't been a very good "sissy week" for me so far.  i knew it wouldn't be because we have guests staying with us until the middle of next week.  But i didn't think it would be this bad. 

It's not just that i can't be myself with our house guests around.  i can live with that.  What's made this week so difficult and depressing is Diane's sudden and shocking decision that She won't allow me to meet Howard, or any other man for that matter. 

Diane told me this on Monday night just a few minutes after i had pleasured her orally before retiring for the evening.  "I've been thinking about this for awhile" She said, telling me that not only does She think Howard isn't right for me but that from now on, She doesn't think that i should be allowed to have a bisexual lover of my own.  She went on to explain Her feelings to me and wrapping it up by saying "It's not real cuckolding if you're allowed to act like a slut with someone else."

Then, there was Her signature "End of discussion" statement.

"Don't worry about it though.  I've also been thinking that I need to step up and fill in as best I can and fill your womanly needs" She said, making a little joke of it.

Diane's final decision and "ruling" on my sexual future is a powerful indication of just how under Her control i am.  She didn't come right out and say it, but it was certainly implied that if i didn't like it, i could leave.

i'm having a hard time dealing with it now and with house guests it's hard to talk about it at great length with Diane.  i know we'll talk more but i also know Her decision is final. 

i'm going to have to learn to accept my role as Her faithful sissy cuckold wife.

love,

sissy terri

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Waxing and waning...

Hi everyone, this is candi again. Sorry I haven't posted in while, my work has been getting in the way (and I've been traveling), and to tell the truth, my femme side has been fairly subdued the past few weeks. And that's what I want to talk about today - hence the title (no, not *that* kind of waxing :-).

I'm sure many of you who cross-dress have, like me, had periods when the desire has faded - only to come roaring back a few days, weeks, months - or even years - later. Perhaps you've even done the binge/purge thing: throw out all your girlie clothes, vow never to dress up again, only to find - lo and behold! - the urge is back once again. This 'waxing and waning', I think, has a number or causes, and that's what I want to explore in this post.

The first one, and I think most pernicious, is self-acceptance. I know that in the past, guilt, fear, misunderstanding has led me to dispense with a whole load of clothes, makeup, etc. etc., only to have bought them all back again a few months later! Oh - if only I had understood better, I could have saved myself so much money - not to mention the agony of guilt and fear. But perhaps I needed to go through all that trauma to get to that place of self-acceptance, because I think that now I pretty much DO accept who I am, in all my various shades and faces. This has been quite a journey, hard at times, but I feel I really do understand what I am (if not completely why - if there could ever be such an understanding..) and have found ways of living my life not only of accepting all of it, but also of *expressing* it. I've been lucky enough to have found partners, and one in particular, who accept me for who I am, if not completely understanding why, or even wanting to participate - and of course that's important. But the most important aspect is that I accept myself, and with that, have found ways to negotiate a not-necessarily accepting world in a mostly successful way. I feel I am pretty lucky in this - although it's taken some hard work.

The second is the natural flow of the male and female energies within me. Life is dynamic, and things always change. As I've mentioned before, I identify as an androgyne, the 'third gender', both male and female, and there is a very natural ebb and flow between the two poles. External circumstances do have an affect on this (see my next point), but I also think it is intrinsic to the world, reality even - a very Eastern yin-yang flow that I feel very much within me. Understanding this has been very much a by product of the self-acceptance I mentioned first.

And lastly, just simple daily life can have a real affect. As I said I've been traveling and working. My work is often very masculine - not in a physical sense, but very in a left-brain, analytical, management sense - and these last few weeks I have been almost totally immersed in that part of my Self. I used to get very confused by this, but finally came to realize that it's quite natural. I think the world, society often demands that you (one) as a person should be the same in all places, all contexts, all times. Frankly, I think this is ridiculous - at least it is for me! I have many different sides to my Self, and circumstances, places and times favour some over others, and I find it quite natural (now!) to go with that ebb and flow, manifesting different parts of me as I feel motivated to or seem appropriate.

So my dear girlie friends - go with the flow!

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Sissies and Sports

We have house guests this week which will put a little crimp in our regular lifestyle.  Diane will still hold be responsible for the household chores, but i just won't be able to do them while dressed, nor will i be dressed in feminine attire at home. 

i'm also going to be playing several rounds of golf with one of the guests..  It's a sport that i enjoy very much even though i don't play as often as i should (i'd love to play every day!).  The weather is warm enough for shorts so my guests will get a chance to see my smooth legs.  That used to make me self conscious, even though no one ever said anything to me.  i'm more comfortable with it now and it doesn't even bother me.

i do wish i could express my feminine self a little more when playing golf.  i think female athletes who go out of their way to dress more feminine are so attractive, sexy and sensual. 

Golf is one of those sports where the women often do that.  Makeup is applied perfectly, ribbons in the hair, short skirts, pink anklet socks, etc....all things a sissy loves to gaze at!

i'd love to play a round looking like this.  It might even lead to my lowest score ever!  Unfortunately i can't.  i'll be stuck wearing some boring shorts and probably a pastel colored shirt.

At least i can play with some pink tees.  Think anyone will notice?

love,

sissy terri

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Happy Valentine's Day!

i want to wish all my followers, readers, sissies and their admirers a Happy Valentine's Day today.

My own Valentine's Day was made very special today by three different people.  How lucky can a married sissy be?

First, Diane got me this beautiful card.....

 Need i say more?  Along with what She wrote inside, it brought tears to my eyes!

Next, i also got an email response from Howard, the man i met for breakfast a couple of times but never moved forward to meeting with him.  His note put me at ease a little about my initial concerns.  He can't meet for two weeks because he and his wife are going on a vacation.  But when he returns, she leaves on a business trip that will leave him free.  He'd like to meet then!

What really interested me about his note and helped relax me a little bit was the following:   "...I really enjoyed you when me met, both as a person and a potential submissive.  Don't worry.  I'm a patient Dominant, and your training will take time and progress in due course...."

I feel nervous and excited at the same time!

Lastly, i got an email from Jake wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day.  He hinted at getting together next week.  i knew his interest would come back.  i haven't responded to him yet.  i have to find the right words to tell him that it wasn't working the way i wanted it to between us. 

It was nice that he wrote.  i did feel flattered that he thought of me on Valentine's Day!

love,

sissy terri

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My Bad!

So sorry about the messed-up format in yesterday's post.  A paragraph that was supposed to be somewhere in the middle of the post ended up at the very beginning.  It was also truncated with the final sentence staying where it was supposed to be.  i don't know why it happened other than to tell you my editing skills are very poor!  So please accept my apologies.

On a more pleasant note, Valentine's day is just a couple of days away and it's a perfect opportunity for sissies to do some shopping for their wives and for themselves.  You're less likely to get suspicious looks from the sales girls...lol.  My own experience over the years is they can usually tell anyway who the men are that are shopping for their own pleasure :)  i'll write more about that topic later.

Now that Diane has a regular lover in Paul, i find the idea of buying her sexy lingerie even more exciting.  Knowing that i'll be buying her beautiful lingerie that She might wear for Her lover is very erotic.  Here's something from Agent Provocateur that Diane would look lovely in and would probably excite Paul at the same time:

 

i can just hear Diane telling Paul "My husband bought these for me for Valentine's Day, but I'm wearing them for You!"

It's a gift that would probably make all three of us happy, but in very different ways.

love,

sissy terri

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A Sissy's Pink Slip

i re-blogged these pictures today on my tumblr blog where i added the following comment....

"Memories of wearing my mother’s full slips when no one was around!"

My mother was a very good looking and sexy woman.  i didn't have an Oedipus complex or anything, but i just knew that she was attractive and it was clear that men found her sexy (including my father).

Most kids don't think of their parents that way, especially when they get older, but i would be shocked if my mom and dad didn't have a very healthy and active sex life well into their latter years.

My mother also dressed very classy.  She always seemed to be dressed perfect for any occasion and carried herself well.  Like any other woman of that time, she was always complaining that she was a little overweight and always trying to lose 5 pounds!  But the fact of the matter is that most men would have found to be perfect just the way she was.

Sissy Fun

There came a time when i was growing up where i didn't become infatuated with my mother but with her clothes (my sister's too by the way).  It was just a matter of time with my desires to wear panties and such increasing, that i would venture into her lingerie drawers, careful not to mess up her perfectly folded panties, bras, slips, stockings and other items.

Just like mom, the lingerie was always laying there perfectly.  Just the sight of it got me aroused.  i would often sneak out a couple of things when i was home alone and do the best i could to replace it just the way it was.

A few of the items that were easier to replace were some beautiful high quality satin slips she would keep hanging in her closet rather than folded in the lingerie drawers.  It was much easier for me to sneak the slip of the hangar and replace it in the closet.  i was the fondest of one particular pink satin slip and wore it as often as i could.  It was all i could do to control myself and soiling her beautiful slip.  i "came" close a few times!!!!

Full slips like the ones shown in the pictures above and this one here seem to be from a day of bygone femininity.  Personally, i think every sissy should either own, or at least experience wearing such a beautiful piece of lingerie.  i've experienced it but i think it's about time i go out and find one just for me!

love,

sissy terri

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Sissy Dating

i haven't disappeared completely even though it may appear that way.  Some consulting work that necessitated travel is one of the reasons.  The other is the mini-funk i'm in.  i haven't seen Jake in awhile and based upon our last talk, there's a good chance whatever we had going with each other is over. 

It seemed like only a month or so ago everything seemed to hold so much promise.  We talked about exchanging our fantasies, being more open with each other about what we like, he seemed to want to be more dominant with me, etc.  All was well and i was brimming with excitement.  It just never worked out that way.

i mentioned before that Jake would go through these moods where his desire to be serviced by another would climb to its peak.  Unfortunately, after those peaks wore off there were many valleys; lengthy periods where there was no interest at all.  He denied it was guilt feelings.  i'm not so sure. 

As for me, my own desires to be submissive to a man in a feminine way don't go away.  i've told him that and in our last discussion, finally told him that i can't put up with his part-time sexual fantasies any more.  He understood and that's how we left it.  i'm sure i'll hear from him again and he'll want me to get all dolled up and pretty for him so i can give him the pleasure he wants.  i don't want to go through this over and over so my answer is likely to be "no."

In the meantime, i'm hoping to meet someone else.  It's a long process and not something i would want to start all over again.  However, i did meet a man about a year and a half ago who seemed to be what i was looking for.  We had breakfast together a couple of times and he left the ball in my court.  At the time, things with Jake seemed promising and there was a little bit of a distance issue with this other man (he lives about 60 miles away).  He has stayed in touch, often asking how i was doing and if i had met anyone. 

His name is Howard and he's a couple of years older than me, married, dominant and has a need for discretion like i do.  He was very much into my dressing for him, insisting that i dress completely when and if we were to get together.  He's 100% top and told me up front not to expect any type of reciprocation.  Exactly what i was looking for.

Strangely enough, the only thing that initially gave me pause is what now excited me most about him.  Howard made it very clear that if i wasn't willing to allow him to have anal sex with me, then he wasn't interested.  He understood that it would take time and that when i finally submitted to him we would do it safely but said that if i couldn't commit to making it happen, then not to waste his time.  His forwardness put me off a little bit. 

We talked again a few times and i understood him better.  He was just being honest in telling me what his interest was.  He didn't want to waste my time either.  Oral sex wasn't enough for him.  And i've realized it's not enough for me now.

i sent Howard an email just a few minutes ago.  He usually responds within a couple of days.  i told him most of what i've written here and told him i'd like to meet again and see where things go.  i also told him how happy i was that he had stayed in touch.  i hope he responds positively.  i don't really look forward to "starting all over."

Sixty miles isn't bad at all.  Especially if you're with the right man!

Diane's had better luck than me.  She and Paul see each other regularly and She tells me that he loves the idea that he's cuckolding me.  No, he doesn't know that i know but Diane tells me that he gets turned on by the fact that he's having sex with another man's wife.  "I've dropped these little hints about it when we're having sex and it drives him wild" Diane told me.  

i know She likes it too.

love,

sissy terri

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