Waxing and waning...

Hi everyone, this is candi again. Sorry I haven't posted in while, my work has been getting in the way (and I've been traveling), and to tell the truth, my femme side has been fairly subdued the past few weeks. And that's what I want to talk about today - hence the title (no, not *that* kind of waxing :-).

I'm sure many of you who cross-dress have, like me, had periods when the desire has faded - only to come roaring back a few days, weeks, months - or even years - later. Perhaps you've even done the binge/purge thing: throw out all your girlie clothes, vow never to dress up again, only to find - lo and behold! - the urge is back once again. This 'waxing and waning', I think, has a number or causes, and that's what I want to explore in this post.

The first one, and I think most pernicious, is self-acceptance. I know that in the past, guilt, fear, misunderstanding has led me to dispense with a whole load of clothes, makeup, etc. etc., only to have bought them all back again a few months later! Oh - if only I had understood better, I could have saved myself so much money - not to mention the agony of guilt and fear. But perhaps I needed to go through all that trauma to get to that place of self-acceptance, because I think that now I pretty much DO accept who I am, in all my various shades and faces. This has been quite a journey, hard at times, but I feel I really do understand what I am (if not completely why - if there could ever be such an understanding..) and have found ways of living my life not only of accepting all of it, but also of *expressing* it. I've been lucky enough to have found partners, and one in particular, who accept me for who I am, if not completely understanding why, or even wanting to participate - and of course that's important. But the most important aspect is that I accept myself, and with that, have found ways to negotiate a not-necessarily accepting world in a mostly successful way. I feel I am pretty lucky in this - although it's taken some hard work.

The second is the natural flow of the male and female energies within me. Life is dynamic, and things always change. As I've mentioned before, I identify as an androgyne, the 'third gender', both male and female, and there is a very natural ebb and flow between the two poles. External circumstances do have an affect on this (see my next point), but I also think it is intrinsic to the world, reality even - a very Eastern yin-yang flow that I feel very much within me. Understanding this has been very much a by product of the self-acceptance I mentioned first.

And lastly, just simple daily life can have a real affect. As I said I've been traveling and working. My work is often very masculine - not in a physical sense, but very in a left-brain, analytical, management sense - and these last few weeks I have been almost totally immersed in that part of my Self. I used to get very confused by this, but finally came to realize that it's quite natural. I think the world, society often demands that you (one) as a person should be the same in all places, all contexts, all times. Frankly, I think this is ridiculous - at least it is for me! I have many different sides to my Self, and circumstances, places and times favour some over others, and I find it quite natural (now!) to go with that ebb and flow, manifesting different parts of me as I feel motivated to or seem appropriate.

So my dear girlie friends - go with the flow!