My Sissy Emotions

i want everyone to know that I'm fine.  Funny how you can make friends through this relatively anonymous phenomenon we call blogging.  i haven't posted in a little over two weeks and i've received five emails from blogger friends (all but one of them a submissive sissy like myself) asking if i was okay.  It's quite touching and heartwarming to be totally honest with you.

i've been in some sort of funk.  Diane calls it a "sissy funk" most of the time but She's also said it's my feminine hormones taking over.  No, i'm not taking anything but She tells me that's it's totally understandable that the more i behave and adopt traditional feminine roles and behaviors, the female hormones that do exist in me will become more dominant.

my affair with Jake seems like it could be over.  i wrote last time about how i thought Jake might be headed to one of those "valleys" he referred to at the outset of our relationship.  His bi urges seemed to come in peaks and valleys he said.  But soon after i posted two weeks ago, he called me to say that he thought his wife was getting suspicious, asking him some odd questions.  He felt she might be thinking he was messing around on her and thought it was a good idea to cool it for awhile.  I heard from him a couple times on email since then and saw him at the gym once, but it's been about 10 days since we've communicated.  i understand, but can't help feeling he's just plain lost interest in me.

On the other hand, Diane and Brian see each other very regularly.  Somehow, Brian's been able to arrange his schedule to be in our city at least one night per week over the last month, sometimes two.  Diane's been telling him more and more about my submission to Her.  She tells me that he's fascinated by it and seems turned on that he's her "alpha" lover.  That's the term i'm using not his.  Diane tells me She's very confident now that it's only a matter of time before he "knows everything" and that i'll be cuckolded in their presence.  It's something i fantasize but am also anxious about.

Through all this, Diane's been very understanding and supportive of my feelings.  It seems like when i'm feeling very low, at my lowest points for example, She uses that as an opportunity to exert more dominance over me and exaggerate my femininity.

In those instances, usually after i've completed some humiliating task while dressed in a very sissy-like outfit, we sit and talk about where we are in our marriage and whether or not we're happy with where it's headed.  In spite of the emotional roller coaster i've experienced of late, i have to admit i want it to continue.  Diane insists that "turning back now would be a big mistake."  i have to agree with Her.

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A Sissy Spanking

i had a wonderful afternoon with Jake on Friday.  It was the most relaxed we've been when together since we first met.  Trysts like ours (two married men getting together for sex) are usually accompanied with lots of anxiety and nervousness for obvious reasons.  It's also more difficult for the partner who's going to the other partner's home.  They can't experience the same level of security the other feels.  It's only natural.

Jake was here at our house on Friday afternoon.  His golf clubs for our Friday afternoon game never made it out of the trunk of his car.  Neither did mine.  Instead, we played other types of games.  Diane wasn't due home until around 7 PM and as the afternoon wore on, Jake seemed more and more comfortable.  He was more dominant as well.

Getting ready for his arrival had me in a high state of arousal.  i swear i came close to cumming just thinking about being feminine for him.  i wanted to surprise him , but couldn't decide what to wear to greet him.  i had bought a pretty powder blue babydoll set just like he wanted, but i didn't want to be wearing it right away.  Instead, i laid it out on the bed in a guest bedroom and thought i'd lead him by the hand into the bedroom and slip it on for him.

i changed into some cute white short shorts with pink panties underneath, a white bra and a sleeveless pink blouse.  i also wore a pair of heels, a cute faux pearl necklace, a short wig, light makeup and mascara and a hint of lip gloss. 

However, minutes before he was scheduled to arrive, i changed my mind!  i thought it over and felt he might be expecting me to be wearing the blue babydoll set, so i hurried to make the change.  i'm glad i did.

i answered the door wearing the babydoll pajamas, in heels, makeup, necklace and smiling at him with my pink pouty lips.  i could tell right away that i had pleased him.

"I'm happy you followed directions" he said, "otherwise I would have had to spank you."

He must have sensed a little disappointment in me because he quickly added that "I may decide to give you a sissy spanking anyway."   He immediately put me into femme subspace.

Submissive as i felt, i did take him by the hand and led him into the guest bedroom.  He took me in his arms and held me while he kissed me and told me to get him undressed.  With my clit throbbing n my panties, i tried to take my time while i undressed him, but wanted him naked quickly.  i kissed his chest when i took off his shirt.  i stroked and kissed his thighs when his pants came down.  i buried my face in his crotch and kissed his cock when i slid down his briefs.

He pushed me down on the bed and lay on top of me.  i wrapped my smooth legs around me as i felt his strong muscled chest against my smooth bosom.  "Soon, I hope you're ready to let me take you like a woman" he said.  i felt my heart flutter.  i was stunned.  Nervous and unsure about what to say, i waited a little and said "i'd love that."   Before i could say anything else, his massive cock was parting my lips.

We spent the afternoon in bed, talking in between bouts of sex.   There was also a little modeling for him.  When i told him how i had changed my mind about what to wear to greet him, he told me to put the original outfit on for him.  He liked it.  It's the outfit i wore for my spanking.

It's not the first time i found myself over a man's lap.  Ken had spanked me before but not that often.  Jake got into it.  It was more than a playful spanking.  i loved being told what a naughty girl i was.

When the spanking was over, i proved it by taking his beautiful cock in my mouth and swallowing every drop of his hot and loving cum.

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Sissy Dates

My golf date with Jake went real well on Friday.  i picked him up at his house in the afternoon and even though there was no one around, we didn't want to take the chance to fool around just in case his wife came home early.  Well, we fooled around just a little bit!  He wanted to see the panties i was wearing and when i lowered my shorts to show him, he didn't hesitate to have me turn around and model them for him.  He also caressed my butt which immediately sent me swooning and got me aroused. 

i wasn't the only one aroused!  Jake took my hand and put it over his crotch.  i loved the feeling and couldn't help myself.  Instinctively, i was on my knees in his kitchen and feeling for his cock.  He stopped me, but only briefly, so we could move over to the dining room where he could stand and see if anyone was coming up the driveway!  His home is set about 40 or 50 yards from the road and the dining room window allowed him to see anyone driving up to the house.

i felt so submissive and feminine on my knees taking care of Jake's masculine needs.  At the same time, i was fulfilling needs of my own.  The need to serve.  The need to feel like a man's "wife", "girlfriend" or "sissy."  The need to please.  And the need to feel a man in my mouth.  i was totally aroused but didn't touch myself.  i hoped Jake wouldn't make me play with myself like the last time and he didn't.  Sometimes, the Dominant's pleasure is more than satisfying for a submissive.

The golf was fun.  Of course, we shared the same cart and Jay would often sneak a nice feel on my smooth legs.  i really loved that.  We also got a chance to talk.  At one point, he told me that he'd like to have me wear a bra, maybe just a sports bra, when we played golf.  i was surprised at that comment but so  happy.  It made me feel like he was enjoying my femininity and would be willing to exploit it even more.

We also talked about future dates.  We're going to meet some day this week, possibly at my place and i want to wear something special for him.  We also talked about the possibility of going on a golfing weekend together!  i'm not sure how much golf we would play but the thought of spending a weekend with him would be so awesome!

When we got back to his place his wife was there and Jake introduced me to her.  Nancy seemed very nice and was both welcoming and hospitable.  She asked if we wanted something to drink and some snacks so i stayed a little while and chatted.  She asked if my wife played golf and i jokingly answered that the fact that she didn't was probably the secret to our successful marriage.  She laughed about that and said that she also didn't play.  The meeting went well and Jake seemed like he was relaxed about it.  i thought he looked a little tense at first but by the time i left, he was fine. 

In closing today's post, i do have to say that meeting Jake has been really great for me.  However, it does bring up a small dilemma that i've been struggling with internally for several weeks.  Ken, the man i had an affair with until he moved away, will be visiting in a couple of weeks.  i told Jake about Ken, but not that i was planning to see him while he was here.  i've thought it over and gone back and forth.  As much as i wanted to see Ken and play with him, things have changed and i wouldn't feel right being intimate with him while doing the same with Jake.

i know it sounds silly, but when i met Jake, we were both looking for a regular friendship that wouldn't involve running around with others.  i know i would be disappointed if Jake saw an old friend of his and had sex with him.  i've decided that i'm probably going to have lunch with Ken or something like that but no sex.  i hope he understands.

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Some Deep Sissy Feelings

i feel very feminine today.  More so than usual.  i've gotten all dressed up from head to toe just to do housework and some ironing.  That includes makeup, wig, some jewelry, etc.  The whole works.  After i get done with all my housework i'd love to throw caution to the wind and just go out and do some shopping while dressed this way.

i might change to something a little more casual and more in line with what an attractive middle aged woman might wear while running a few errands.  Maybe a nice pleated skirt, some heels, pantyhose, sweater, blonde wig, sunglasses and a matching purse.  I'd love to capture a few glances but not too many.  That would be way to risky. 

Shopping while dressed en femme poses another challenge at times for some cd's.  Unless your paying in cash, you have to use your credit and debit card which has your male name on it.  i don't really have that problem.  Although i spell my sissy name as "terri", my real name is Terry.  It's one of those unisex names that, when you have a lifestyle like mine, certainly has its advantages.

There's a reason i feel very femme today.  It's something that's been brewing for the past couple of months and i haven't discussed it here because i felt a little silly.  i just brought it up to Diane this weekend and only when we were discussing our summer plans.  She was asking me when Ken (my old 'boyfriend') was going to be around.  After telling Her when i thought he'd be in town, i came clean and told Her about the reason for my feeling so femme today.

i go to the gym nearly every day, and usually around the same time.  Naturally, i tend to see many of the same people who follow similar routines.  There's been one man who always seems to be there around the same time as me.  We've never really talked much, but just exchanged some hello's or waves, more out of courtesy than anything else.  Or so I thought. 

The last few weeks i've caught him looking over at me a few times and our eyes sort of met if you know what i mean.  The last couple of times i actually felt myself blushing.  He's a good looking man, tall (maybe about 6'3" and 210 lbs), muscular, clean cut, greying hair and probably in his late 50's or early 60's.   Last week,  i was away on business for a couple of days and when i returned on Friday he actually approached me in said "I missed you the last couple of days.  Nice to see you back.  I'm Jake."  He extended his hand and i did the same.  We shook hands, his grip so much stronger than mine. 

i introduced myself to him and we talked a little bit.  While i was doing so i couldn't help but notice him sort of checking me out, glancing at my smooth legs.  i used to wear long sweat pants or something similar because of my smooth legs but have since stopped doing that.  As he glanced, i could feel myself blushing again.  He was just finishing his workout and was getting ready to head out.  "I'm sure we'll see each other again.  Nice meeting you" he said with a wink.  "Same here.  Really nice to meet you" I told him.   After i said it, i worried that it sounded stupid.  i seemed to put emphasis on the word "really" and wondered what he thought.  i felt like he was almost "flirting" with me, but maybe i was misreading the whole thing.  i couldn't get Jake off my mind the rest of the day.

i ran into Jake again this morning at the gym.  i hadn't seen him earlier in the week and thought i would approach him and say hello and probably let him know that i noticed he wasn't around.  When i did, he smiled and said that he and his wife were out of town for a couple of days to attend a funeral but was back to his regular routine.  Then, he surprised me by asking if i were going to be around tomorrow and if i'd like to get a coffee after the workout!   "Sure, that would be great" i told him.  We agreed to meet at the gym tomorrow at our regular time and head out for coffee after.

So right now, my mind is on overdrive.  i can't be misreading this thing can i?  Even if i'm not, and Jake is bi and attracted to me, i'm scared to break the ice about my fem side.  Some men are totally turned off by things like that.  i certainly have to be careful and tread carefully here.  i'm nervous as can be, but excited at the same time.  No wonder i feel so girly today!

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"Femmespace"

Under my contract with Diane, I spend 7 out of every 28 days having my period.  It's a lesson in femininity, humility and obedience.  During that time, sex is limited to my providing her with oral relief.  I imagine this is very similar to what many women go through when they have their period.  Still pleasing their husbands or boyfriends with their mouth while their pussy is off limits.

Doing these things and acting this way has in some ways become routine for us but it never loses it's intended effect:  to remind me who I am and of my role in this relationship.  The fact that Diane doesn't "fuck" me during this seven day period with one of her strap-ons often makes me want it more.  The fact that I'm obligated to please her with my mouth reinforces my obedience.

Last night was mostly typical of the type of sex we have during "my time of the month."  I say mostly typical because Diane's urges seemed to be heightened, most likely because of her Friday lunch with Brian. Diane took full advantage of my role and had me kissing her all over, and I do mean all over.  There was more verbal teasing than usual and during her moments of passion was much more vocal.  From my viewpoint, much of this is very satisfying since it provides me comfort in knowing Diane enjoys what I provide for her.

I was also made to feel more feminine when Diane surprisingly told me to get her strap-on dildo and harness and help her into it.  It was another tease, but one I enjoyed.  Once strapped in, she lay back on the bed and had me take the make believe cock in my mouth.  It's what many wives do for their spouses when they're in the middle of their period.  "Why should you be totally deprived of cock during your time of the month" she said.  "I know how much you like cock."

There's lots of references to the term "subspace" in D/s literature and blogs.  As submissive as I often feel during moments like last night, I prefer to refer to that feeling as "femmespace."  I haven't really seen that term anywhere.  I'm sure it's probably out there somewhere.  It's a feeling that I get often and many times it comes from different things.  It's a feeling I love very much. 

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