The Woman Inside...

Hi there, this is Candi again.

One of the problems of being somewhat intelligent (and people tell me I am, so it must be true :-) is that I think a lot - probably too much! And one of the things I think about is why I love being a sissy so much - what I get out of it.

Now I don't want to get all psychological on you (there is a place for that, but I don't think it's here), rather I want to try and describe how it feels to me to want to be a gurl, and why it is so pleasurable. Why I spend a lot of my waking hours thinking, wanting and scheming about girlie things.

Perhaps I should first talk about where I think I am on a spectrum of male femininity. I'd say that spectrum runs from the heterosexual (possibly married) man who likes the feel of silk and lace, but has no real desire to be a girl. He's not interested in men at all, and perhaps enjoys some cross-dressing play with an understanding wife. Then, at the other end, there is the MTF transexual, who wants to be a girl for a different reason - and one that is not really sexual. She wants to be a girl because that's who she is. Her body is not congruent with her internal vision of herself, how it feels to be her. That in itself is tremendously interesting to me, and goes right to the heart of what gender might mean - a large, wonderful topic that I don't propose to dig into any further here (yet! :-).

Then there is me (and really, it is all about me, isn't ? :-). I do hope that smiley conveys the right sense of how much I am joking here!). After a lot of searching, I feel very comfortable identifying as an androgyne, the Native American 'third sex'. I truly believe I have a soul, a center, a Self, that is both male and female. For the longest time, I wondered very much if I was transexual, but finally realized that I wouldn't want to be a girl full time. I don't feel stuck in the wrong body - what I do feel is that there is a very large and important part of me that is female, and that I must express to be fully human, fully whole. In a world that still identifies gender with sex (i.e. a male or female body) that presents somewhat of a challenge.

So for me, I think the first and most basic thing I get from transforming myself into a girl is a sense of wholeness. I don't want to reject my maleness - I do treasure it, and enjoy my yang, male life: my job, doing, producing, manifesting. But that does not fully satisfy me, it is not the complete picture of who I am. A large part of my psych is yin, soft receptive, nurturing - being, not doing. And it is this part that is satisfied, expressed and explored by Candi, my feminine face (I should also add that was not always so, and has changed over time. This, in itself, is also interesting to me. Perhaps I'll make it the subject of a later post...)

As Candi, I am also sexual, and again, sexual in a very yin, feminine way. I love being submissive, I love the feel of a strong male presence, guiding, leading, dominating me. The strength of his desire allows me to let go, to fall into a dark, fecund feminine place, where my heart is filled, and I can stop thinking and doing, and simply be. Ironically, when a man decides to have me, direct me, objectify and use me, I feel incredibly safe, loved and wanted. It has to be the right man, and done in the right way (I don't want to be raped - except, perhaps, in a role-play! :-), but when that happens, it is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

My desire to dress is ultimately a prelude to this. I want to be beautiful, a desirable object, and the act of dressing and decorating myself is a prelude and an invitation. It generates the same sense of safety and love. All the details of dressing, make-up, lingerie, accessories, clothes are props to propel me into this other part of myself, where I can fully feel my body and my heart, and feel the full flow of life and love through me, unencumbered by the need to do, control and manage.

In the end, this is just another way of expressing that female part of myself that 'normal' society frowns upon - simply because I have a male body, I am not 'allowed' to be fully who I am. So girls, love yourself. Use your creativity and energy to express that part of you that conventional society tells you is deviant. It is not. You just have a much bigger mind and soul than other 'straight' people. A soul that has both male and female parts.