My last post left me feeling down. i came off like a selfish submissive whining about a sexual partner who doesn't get it. Don't even mention being a submissive who wants to "top from the bottom." i should be happy with what i have: A Dominant Wife who cuckolds me, treats me like her wife and a lover who loves being serviced sexually without any reciprocation. If you're a submissive sissy that's not a bad situation.
Sissy Nina left a comment to my last post writing "....I cannot understand why there seems to be such an impasse in communication between you and Jake about your desire for a kinkier, sexier love life with him. I mean, he is already quite "out there" with having a secret tryst with a sissy to begin with, what could be the obstacle to addressing him about your needs to have a kinkier experience together?..."
Her question brings up an excellent point. i tried to answer it in my reply where i said "....i can understand where you're coming from. i'll try to post on this subject a bit more. i try to tread carefully when expressing my desires to him. i don't want to scare him away or somehow be rejected. Make sense?..."
My answer to Nina doesn't cover the whole range of feelings, emotions and insecurity that i feel when it comes to communicating with Jake. i think we've made progress but it's been a slow process. i went through the same thing with Diane as our lifestyle changed and She took control more. We'd talk about our fantasies and i always seemed to be a bit insecure about things, thinking that She was just doing things to please me or fulfill my kinky fantasies and not enjoying it Herself. Looking back, those insecurities inhibited the growth of our relationship.
In some ways it's the same with Jake. i'm having a hard time being fully open not just from a fear of rejection but that he'd do the things i asked but wouldn't enjoy it nearly as much as i would. i want him to be more dominant but i think the bottom line is that he has to want that too. i think He understands where i'm coming from and i think if it's in him to be dominant with me, he'd express it more on his own.
Being a submissive and having things the way you want it is in direct conflict with the way things should be between a Dom and a sub. When the Dom/me takes full control, there are inevitably things the submissive doesn't enjoy.
The past couple of days in my life are the perfect example of that. Diane's been very demanding about things she wants done around the house and errands she needs to have done. It's kept me very busy and i kept me from blogging yesterday. It's not until just a little while ago that i've finished all the housework and errands She demanded of me.
Even though i had on a pretty apron while taking care of my "wifey" duties i wasn't happy. i'd rather have been doing something else. When i took on the role of being Diane's full time "wife" the uniqueness of the whole thing fulfilled many of my fantasies.
As time has passed, the novelty of what i've been doing has worn off, it's become routine and the excitement seems to be gone.
But being "happy" shouldn't be a priority for a submissive sissy. Their priority should be to please their Dom/mes.
The sooner i learn and accept that lesson, the "happier" i'll be.